Why do people self harm?

Supporting Parents with a Self-Harming Child

Self-harm often emerges in young people as a way to express deep emotional pain. A child’s sense of self-worth begins forming before the age of two—long before they have the language to understand their emotions. In those early years, they absorb their value based on how they’re treated. If they experience unconditional love, they feel safe and cared for. But if they’re met with anger, contempt, or neglect, those feelings shape their self-perception. Frequent hugs teach a child they are lovable, while isolation fosters loneliness.

This emotional foundation plays a critical role in understanding how to support parents of children who self-harm. Their “emotional well-being bank balance”—the accumulated experiences of acceptance or rejection—can offer insight into the best approach for healing.

The concept aligns with the principles from Paul’s writings to the Romans: “Stop being molded by this system of things” and “Make your mind over” (Romans 12:1-3). But how can someone actively reshape their thinking?

For a teenage daughter, two key strategies can help:

1. Co-Regulation: Children look to their parents for emotional guidance. If caregivers—often mothers—demonstrate steady self-regulation, the child is more likely to mirror that stability. However, if caregivers struggle with their own emotional balance, the child may reflect that turmoil. Supporting parents in strengthening their own emotional regulation can directly benefit their child.
2. Acknowledgment: Change begins with recognition. Identifying the root cause of emotional distress is the most important step toward healing. This often requires professional support from experienced mental health providers who can help a child understand and process their pain in a healthier way.

By equipping parents with the right tools and understanding, they can better support their child on the journey toward healing. Don’t delay, seek help today.