I write this story as a testimony to Dianne’s strength, integrity and endurance.
Dianne had a difficult and traumatic early childhood which culminated in her death from cancer at the age of 65.
She was firstborn to a young couple living in a small Murray Valley town in South Australia.
At 5 years of age Dianne had witnessed her parents arguing frequently. They were not happy but had produced 4 daughters, Dianne being the oldest.
The inevitable happened. Dianne’s mother had reached her limit and arranged for another male to help her leave the marriage.
Dianne in desperation ran across some 300 metres to her Grandfather ‘s house to ask him to come and stop her parents argument.
His response was “I’m not going over there again. They can sort it out themselves.”
Dianne was kept at her grandparents house and later that evening Dianne’s mother, together with a male acquaintance and Dianne’s three younger sisters, left Karoonda in a Dodge utility bound for Hamilton in Victoria some 400 kilometres away.
In the early hours of Monday, late in December 1959. The vehicle failed to negotiate a bend and after leaving the road, overturned and the 3 and 6 month old did not survive.
It’s hard to understand how a mother could leave one of her children behind, but we don’t know what level of despair she was experiencing.
After all, during that time period there was very little help, understanding or support available.
So Dianne’s mother moved away from Karoonda and went on with her life. Dianne was left with her father in Karoonda and later moved in with her paternal grandparents.
Dianne’s mother then left the surviving 2 year old daughter with a relative about 1 hour’s drive away.
In a night Dianne’s family had disintegrated.
From that time on, Dianne would only see her mother three or four times a year. The concluding moments always saw Dianne crying because she wanted to stay with her mother. But she was told not to cry. “Don’t be a naughty girl”. She wasn’t naughty, she was just a sad grieving child desperate for her mother’s love and attention.
How did those events affect Dianne?
It’s known that children assume responsibility for things that go wrong in families. Dianne was no different.
I met Dianne when she was 18. I was attracted by her maturity, her beauty and obvious sense of responsibility.
There were signs of the effects of being abandoned by her parents but I didn’t have the knowledge or skills to make sense of it.
Affect number 1 was she had a habit of biting her finger nails. That’s a sign of stress. It took years for her to grow her nails long enough to be able to wear finger nail polish.
Affect Number 2 was her need to be perfect. As a wife she was very supportive and kept our house very well. But it left her exhausted and it led to an emotional breakdown when she was about 40. Fortunately I was able to get expert help from a close relative who was a very experienced counsellor. That experience led to my in-depth understanding of trauma, particularly PTSD and Childhood Trauma.
Affect Number 3 manifested itself when she became a mother, particularly when she become a mother to two healthy and adventurous boys. She would hover over them as close as she could. She would never let them out of her sight.
Affect Number 4 showed up when I wanted to entertain friends. She would be so stressed and was frightened about not being the perfect host. It took some years for me to work that out. The reason was discovered when during visits to our home her mother would look around the house checking surfaces for any evidence of dust. Her mother lacked an understanding of how a child needs unconditional love from their parents. You see, her mothers father was a very strict and cruel headmaster who himself was ever so critical. Dianne’s mother was “living what she learned”. That’s how multi-generational trauma flourishes.
Affect Number 5 – Because of being told not to cry she was literally unable to cry. This meant suppression of sadness, a basic emotion.
Affect Number 6 – PTSD. She was affected bu Post Traumatic Stress but had learned to suppress, internalize and control her responses. That probably meant a worsening of her health condition.
What was the long term affect on Dianne’s life.
Ultimately Dianne’s body gave in to various health issues.
Viral Meningitis – Dianne spent 10 days in the Mater Hospital in Brisbane while doctors were trying to figure out what was causing her massive headaches.
Chronic Fatigue – Dianne visited many physicians without an effective diagnosis. There were many times when she just had to try to recover by staying in bed for days at a time.
Digestive Issues – Dianne suffered greatly for several years not knowing what foods she could eat.
Pancreatic Endocrine tumour – For the last four years of her life there were several times at night when she was in so much pain. Symptoms of endocrine tumours (neuroendocrine tumours) may include pain from a growing tumour, a growing lump you can feel under the skin, feeling unusually tired, losing weight without trying, anxiety, including panic attacks. Dianne experienced most of these symptoms. Because of the location of her tumour, it often goes undetected for up to 7 years.
Liver Cancer – For the last 5 months it was obvious that the tumour had metastasized to her liver. By that time it was too late. Death was inevitable..
My Letter to Dianne.
9th February 2010
To my dearest Dianne,
It’s now almost two months since you died and this month would have been our 47th wedding anniversary.
I acknowledge you won’t read this until you are resurrected (John 5:28, 29) into Jehovah’s new world order but that’s OK.
Dianne, thank you for being such a wonderful wife and partner, friend, mother and the many other qualities you displayed during the 48 years we spent together. There is not a day goes by without sadness overwhelming me at some point.
Almost daily someone reminds me how much they loved you for your kindness and how much they miss you.
Thank you for working with me to create our incredible family. When I recall your early life, which included enormous trauma of the breakup of your family at the age of 5, it makes me appreciate even more your determination to maintain a safe environment for our family.
We have a sure hope of being together again but until that moment I want you to know how much I love you and miss you. When I reflect back on the tough times we had but the many more wonderful times we shared I am grateful for your trust in me and your willingness to be there for me and our beautiful children and their families.
Your faith until the last moment was indeed incredible to watch. I am so blessed to have shared my life with you.
During the last days you often reminded me that we have better times to look forward to and that the new world order is “Just around the corner”.
Until then, I miss you, I love you and I look forward to seeing you soon.
John